Codependency as Connection; Enmeshment as Losing Yourself
Read Time: 6 minutes
Somewhere along the way, codependent became an insult.
In therapy spaces and across mental health TikTok, you might hear it used as shorthand for “clingy” or “needy.” Maybe you’ve seen it used to explain why someone remains in a difficult relationship. Over time, codependency has been framed as something shameful, something to avoid at all costs.
But here’s the truth: codependency is not inherently unhealthy. In fact, it’s deeply human.
If we’re going to help teens and young adults build strong, resilient relationships, we need to acknowledge something important: depending on one another, whether it’s a partner, parent, friend, or other loved one, is a normal part of human relationships.
Much of what people label as “codependency” is actually something else entirely: enmeshment.
Let’s break this down.
Where Does the Term “Codependency” Come From?
Ok, quick history lesson.
The concept of codependency first emerged in the addiction treatment world, particularly alongside the rise of Alcoholics Anonymous. Early clinicians noticed that the behaviors and struggles of someone with an addiction often deeply impacted their loved ones.
At the time, the thinking went something like this: if someone had a dependency on alcohol, their partner or family member might develop a kind of “dependency” on the person. In some early models, loved ones were even described as having their own form of disease because they were seen as enabling the addiction.
Over time, partners and family members of people with substance use struggles were frequently labeled as codependent, often with the implication that their behavior was helping maintain the addiction.
From there, the term expanded rapidly beyond the addiction field. It began to be applied to:
Complicated romantic relationships
Family dynamics
Trauma bonds
Survivors of abuse
The word codependency became twisted and pathologizing. It began to feel shameful to be called “codependent.”
We began to lose sight of the fact that codependency simply meant you were human.
Psst...by the way…
DOES YOUR RELATIONSHIP FEEL, WELL, OFF?
WE’RE HERE TO HELP.
Reclaiming Codependency
Today, you might hear the term codependency to describe:
Normal human attachment needs
Attachment trauma
Developmental trauma
People in abusive relationships
Highly empathetic personalities
That’s a very wide net.
So, let’s take a moment to be clear about something important:
Being impacted by someone you love is not shameful. Being codependent makes you human.
We want codependency to be recognized as what it is at its core: when two people affect and rely on one another. If your partner is deeply depressed, of course you’re going to feel that and want to care for them. If a parent’s addiction creates instability, of course you might try to manage the environment to feel safer. If you feel guilty about hurting or disappointing someone you love, that means you're empathetic. This is how relationships work.
Codependency can look like:
Mutual emotional support
Caring about how your behavior impacts someone else
Being influenced by people you love
Offering help and receiving help
Adjusting to one another in reasonable ways
We all need supportive interdependence. We all need to be codependent on someone to sustain a healthier, more grounded life. Codependency isn’t toxic; it’s closeness, support, and a dependence that, while at times may not be balanced, is reciprocated in a way that feels safe and comforting.
That said, there are times when relational patterns become consuming in ways that limit growth and autonomy. If we ask ourselves the question: “Is this connection mutual and flexible, or is it consuming and boundaryless?” and feel our answer might lean a little more on the latter side, we may be experiencing enmeshment.
What Is Enmeshment?
Enmeshment is an attachment pattern where emotional and psychological boundaries between people become blurred or nonexistent.
In an enmeshed relationship, there is little clear distinction between:
Your emotions and theirs
Your responsibilities and theirs
Your identity and theirs
While enmeshment can show up in romantic relationships, it most commonly develops in family systems, particularly between parents (or caregivers) and children.
From the outside, enmeshed relationships can look extremely close or loving. But internally, they often feel:
Stressful
Guilt-heavy
Emotionally confusing
Identity-blurring
What Does Enmeshment Look Like?
Here are some common ways enmeshment shows up, especially for teens and young adults.
Emotional Overinvolvement
One person’s feelings consistently dominate the emotional tone of the relationship.
For example:
You get upset, and your parent becomes even more distressed than you are.
You find yourself shutting down your own emotions to protect someone else’s.
You feel responsible for keeping the peace in the household.
Over time, this teaches young people that their feelings are “too much” or dangerous to express.
Difficulty Making Independent Decisions
Your choices feel tightly tied to someone else’s approval.
This might look like:
Feeling intense guilt about choosing a college or job out of state
Automatically asking, “What would they think?” before making decisions
Avoiding opportunities that might create distance in the relationship
For many young adults, this creates a painful tug-of-war between growth and loyalty.
Oversharing and Lack of Privacy
Healthy privacy is often missing in enmeshed systems.
You might have experienced:
A parent sharing adult worries (finances, marriage stress) with you when you were much too young
Feeling like nothing in your life is truly private
Feeling guilty for keeping normal information to yourself
When boundaries around information are blurred early on, it can be hard to know what healthy privacy even looks like later in life.
Guilt When Setting Boundaries
In enmeshed relationships, even small boundaries can trigger big emotional reactions.
You might notice:
Getting the silent treatment when you say no
Hearing phrases like “After all I’ve done for you…”
Feeling intense anxiety or dread before asserting a need
Over time, many young people learn that boundaries equal disconnection, which makes relationships later in life much harder to navigate.
Loss of Identity
Perhaps the most painful piece of enmeshment is how it can blur your sense of self.
You might find that:
Your goals and values feel tied to someone else’s expectations
You struggle to answer, “What do I actually want?”
Achievements feel more about approval than personal fulfillment
Identity development is a core task of adolescence and young adulthood. Enmeshment can quietly disrupt that process.
Parentification
Remember the earlier oversharing piece? When a child consistently takes on emotional responsibility for an adult, this is called parentification.
This can look like:
Being your parent’s (or parents’) primary emotional support
Acting as the family peacekeeper
Feeling responsible for a caregiver’s loneliness or stress
Many parentified young people grow into highly capable, deeply empathetic adults, but often at the cost of chronic anxiety, burnout, or difficulty prioritizing themselves.
Why It’s Important to Know the Difference Between Codependency and Enmeshment
When we label everything as codependency, we risk shaming normal attachment needs. But, when we ignore enmeshment, we miss the places where boundaries and identity development need support.
For teens and young adults in particular, this distinction is crucial. Growing up requires two things happening at once:
Staying connected to our peers and loved ones.
Developing our own identities.
Codependency allows both. Enmeshment makes separation feel like betrayal.
Therapy for Enmeshment & Reclaiming Connection for Colorado Teens and Young Adults
Therapy isn’t about teaching you to stop caring. It’s about helping you care without losing yourself.
In our work with teens, young adults, and families across Colorado, we focus on:
Building flexible, respectful boundaries
Strengthening identity development
Learning to tolerate the discomfort that growth can bring
You do not need to become cold, distant, or radically independent to be healthy. You are allowed to need people. You are allowed to influence and be influenced. You are allowed to grow without abandoning connection.
Let’s say it one more time: Codependence is not dysfunctional. It’s human.
If you’re a teen, young adult, or parent in Colorado looking for support around boundaries, identity, or family dynamics, the Interfaith Bridge Counseling team is here to help. Reach out today to schedule a consultation to start building relationships where you don’t have to lose yourself to stay connected.
Until next time,
About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723
Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.
Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.
