How Can Teens & Young Adults Deal with Disappointment?

Read Time: 11 minutes

Sarah had it all planned out. Everything would be perfect. She’d made sure to have appetizers for everyone’s dietary needs, the Spotify playlist was the perfect mix of kitschy and fun, and the decorations were immaculate. Now all she had to do was wait for her friends to come later that evening. 

That’s when her phone started to ping. Taryn felt like she was coming down with the flu and didn’t want to spread it. Jake and Dev apologized profusely, mentioning plans they had previously forgotten. Billie no longer had a ride. Sarah’s guest list kept dwindling.

She slumped onto the couch, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. Why did this always seem to happen? She’d tried so hard to create a good holiday memory with some of her closest friends. 

Sarah knew she still had some friends coming, but the frustration, sadness, and feelings of betrayal were overwhelming. How could she possibly still enjoy the party?

How could she cope with this feeling of disappointment? 

The Weight of Disappointment

Let me first say, there’s nothing wrong with Sarah’s feelings. It’s normal to feel disappointed, to have expectations that don’t come to fruition, and think “WTF? That’s not how that was supposed to go.” 

Disappointment is a tricky emotion. It can feel like sadness, anger, embarrassment, and even shame, sometimes all at once. When we’re already carrying the weight of stress, social pressures, or anxiety, disappointment can be the last straw. It can be that last little push that sends us tumbling. 

What we have to remember is this: it’s ok to feel and sit with the hurt. To really feel disappointed. What we need to try not to do is pretend like we’re not disappointed. We need to learn how to manage it without letting it ruin our whole day, or even our whole week.

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Psst...by the way…

FEELING LIKE DISAPPOINTMENT IS GETTING
THE BEST OF YOU?

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Setting Expectations (of Others, of Ourselves, and for Us)

Hard fact: teens and young adults have an incredible amount of expectations put on them. Young people also tend to put a lot of expectations on themselves. Whether they’re academic, physical, financial, career-oriented, or otherwise, we heap lofty goals on ourselves, sometimes without knowing it. And when things don’t pan out, it can feel like a gut punch.

This isn’t just bad luck. Society, our parents or caregivers, leaders, and peers constantly send us messages about what we should be achieving. When we fail to meet those expectations (or when others fail to meet the ones we hold for them), we can feel both internal disappointment and the sting of others’ perceived disappointment in us. And that’s heavy.

The truth is: expectations aren’t bad. They give us direction. But they also need to be realistic, flexible, and compassionate. That’s where a lot of us get stuck.

How Teens & Young Adults Handle Disappointment and Why

The way we cope with disappointment is influenced by our early relationships with caregivers. If, as kids, we were comforted, supported, and taught how to work through let-downs, we may have an easier time leaning on those skills now. If, instead, our disappointment was met with criticism or dismissal (think terms even as banal as “It is what it is” or “So what?”), we might either avoid our feelings altogether or let them explode.

Ways we here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling often see teens and young adults deal with disappointment include:

• Shutting down: Zoning out with social media, gaming, or sleeping because it feels safer than feeling sad or angry.

• Exploding: Anger, snapping at others, or self-blame. Thoughts like “I’m such an idiot for thinking this would work out.”

• Overcompensating: We often see young people trying to “fix everything” or placate the situation or people around them. Often, this is at the cost of their mental health and realistic boundaries.

• Seeking validation: Looking for and needing constant reassurance from friends or family to soothe the discomfort of feeling let down.

Healthier Ways Teens & Young Adults Can Cope With DisappointmenT

Here’s where we need to shift our thinking. You can’t always stop disappointment from showing up, but you can control how you respond. Here are some real-world strategies to handle disappointment without letting it control you:

• Name it to tame it: Call the feeling what it is. “I’m disappointed.” Not weak. Not dramatic. Just human. Naming the emotion takes the bite out of it, so you can more readily deal with it.

• Check your expectations: Were they realistic? Fair? Were they based on facts, or on a story you created about how things should go? Sometimes disappointment points to an outcome no one could realistically guarantee.

• Shift focus to what remains: Like in Sarah’s story, maybe the whole party didn’t fall apart. Maybe there are still people showing up, still opportunities to make a good memory. Try to redirect your focus from what’s lost to what’s still available.

• Practice self-compassion: Talk to yourself like you would to a friend: “Of course this hurts. Anyone would feel let down.” The grace you show yourself is what helps disappointment shrink instead of expand.

• Move your body: Get that blood pumping any way you can. Go for a walk, stretch, or dance it out in your room. Physical movement helps regulate your nervous system when your brain feels stuck on repeat.

• Talk it through: Sometimes it can help to get some perspective. A therapist, friend, or trusted adult can help you untangle whether you’re dealing with a big problem or just a big feeling. (And surprise, sometimes it’s both!)

When Therapy Can Help With Feelings of Disappointment

If disappointment feels like it knocks the wind out of you every time, or if you find yourself avoiding goals and relationships out of fear of being let down, therapy can help you gain perspective on why it feels so big, plus give you tools to cope. Together, we can look at where your expectations come from, how to regulate tough emotions, and how to build resilience so you can bounce back with confidence.

Disappointment is part of being human. It’s not a sign you’re weak or failing. It’s a sign you care–about your plans, your relationships, your goals. And that’s a good thing. If you’re a Colorado resident, we’d be honored to help, so you can feel that care without getting lost in the pain when things don’t go as planned.

Until next time,

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About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723

Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.

Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.