Demand Avoidance vs. Pathological Demand Avoidance
Read Time: 7 minutes
What’s the Difference, and Why Does It Matter?
“You have to go to the study group!”
“No!”
In fact, Sarah’s whole body screamed, “Absolutely not.” Just trying to think about going was, well, unthinkable. Everything about it seemed way too hard and way too much. So, she wasn’t going to go.
Her mom was frustrated. Ok, maybe frustrated wasn’t the right word. At a loss. What did Sarah mean, she just wasn’t going to go? Why did she always say no to things like this? Everyone was a friend; she’d hung out with them plenty of times, and she needed to study for biology. In fact, it was her favorite subject! So why, she demanded, couldn’t she just go to a measly one-hour study group?
Sarah felt near tears. It didn’t feel “measly.” It didn’t feel small. She couldn’t express the pressure that the request felt. The heaviness, the dread.
So, what, exactly, is this feeling or need to avoid demands? Why can it be so frustrating for both parents and teens and young adults who experience it? Is demand avoidance always linked to Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)? And why do we care?
Psst...by the way…
FEEL LIKE YOU’RE STRUGGLING WITH DEMAND AVOIDANCE OR PDA? WE CAN HELP.
What is Demand Avoidance?
First things first, demand avoidance isn’t a flaw. It isn’t you just being lazy or dramatic, and it is not something that makes you “broken.” Demand avoidance is when your nervous system perceives a demand (internal or external) as a threat and actively tries to steer you away from that threat (even if you know that threat isn’t real and is in fact something you like).
Everyone experiences demand avoidance at some time in their lives. Demand avoidance, like many human characteristics, occurs on a spectrum. Many neurodivergent folx, particularly those who are autistic or have ADHD, experience demand avoidance on some scale.
This might look like:
Finding it incredibly hard to start homework or a work project, and instead doomscrolling
Plans that never happen because your brain keeps telling you to “do it later.”
Expectations (from others or from yourself) make your anxiety spike or shut you down
Feeling irritated or pressured, even by things you chose to do
Overthinking something or trying to attain perfection, and then never actually doing anything
See how so many of these examples are tied to anxiety? Again, demand avoidance is often just our nervous system trying to understand and protect us from perceived threats. We feel as if taking out the trash will kill us, so our brains do everything in their power to keep us from doing it.
So how does demand avoidance relate to Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)? Is it the same thing? Does everyone who experiences demand avoidance have PDA?
What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy?
For some people, there’s a more intense version of demand avoidance known as Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA). We’ll refer to this as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (because language matters and “pathological” is dehumanizing.) PDA is a more complex neuropsychological profile, most commonly associated with autism, though not limited to it.
Folx with PDA perceive any demand as a threat to their autonomy. It’s not stubbornness, it’s not defiance, it’s an involuntary brain-body response that swings into fight-flight-freeze-fawn to stay in control.
Those with PDA:
Feel pressure from all types of demands, including friendly suggestions, basic tasks, plans, or internal tasks (things like “I should shower.”)
Use humor, distraction, negotiation, avoidance, or retreat to reduce or avoid demands. (This can often feel manipulative to others, but it’s just an individual's adaptive way to avoid the overwhelming pressure of demands.)
Have intense and involuntary reactions to demands. This might look like physical or emotional violence, like hitting or screaming.
Might have “obsessive” behaviors, like hyperfixating on certain things, or get stuck in performing rituals.
May find it easier to role-play or engage in pretend situations, vs real life.
Not everyone with demand avoidance has PDA, and PDA isn’t just demand avoidance. Those who have PDA often have a much lower “window of tolerance” for demand stressors, which causes them to find everyday life intolerable.
Why Is It Important to Recognize the Difference Between Demand Avoidance and PDA?
While every day gain a little more insight into our neurodivergent minds and strive to create a world that is more accepting and inclusive of all people and abilities, we still have a long way to go. In terms of demand avoidance and PDA, this means many young people are still being labeled with PDA when, in fact, their demand avoidance may stem from very real and very different underlying factors, such as:
Past Trauma
Experiences of chronic stress, unpredictable environments, medical trauma, school-based punishment, bullying, or relationship issues can train the nervous system to associate demands with danger. When we have too many experiences of shame, loss of control, or emotional harm, our brains learn to protect themselves by avoiding anything that feels like pressure. Think of it as survival, not defiance.
Developmental History
Our early experiences matter. Growing up in environments with rigid expectations, little autonomy, inconsistent caregiving, or high performance pressure can shape how safe (or unsafe) demands feel later on. For neurodivergent kids in particular, repeated misunderstandings or unmet support needs can wire the brain to anticipate overwhelm long before a task even begins.
Anxiety, Stress, & Burnout
For many teens and young adults, demand avoidance is driven by anxiety, not necessarily the hallmark pervasive drive for autonomy that is linked to PDA. When anxiety is high, even small expectations can feel enormous. Avoidance becomes a way to manage fear of failure, judgment, sensory overload, or getting things “wrong.” In these cases, the avoidance eases as anxiety is addressed, support is increased, and pressure is reduced.
Recognizing these distinctions matters. When we assume all demand avoidance equals PDA, we risk missing the actual needs underneath and offering the wrong kind of support. A trauma-informed, developmentally aware, and anxiety-sensitive approach allows young people to be met with understanding instead of labels, and with collaboration instead of control.
How Therapy Can Help if You Struggle with DA or PDA
Therapy isn’t about forcing you to “push through” tasks or ignoring your body’s alarm system. We know that doesn’t work (and honestly, it’s cruel.)
Therapists, particularly those who are neurodivergent-affirming, focus on helping you understand your nervous system and help you build a life that supports your autonomy.
Therapy can help you:
1. Build awareness of your demand triggers.
Together, we figure out (judgement-free!):
What kinds of demands activate your nervous system
What internal sensations show up
What patterns your avoidance follow
What helps you shift back into regulation
2. Support your nervous system, not fight it.
Explore coping skills that actually help–ones that don’t feel patronizing or like another demand. These might include interoception skills, preventative self-care, mindfulness practices, and other ways to reduce pressure without losing structure.
3. Rewrite your relationship with autonomy.
We’ll help you learn how to create environments that feel safer for you to engage, through choice, collaboration, playfulness, or self-direction. Therapy can help you build systems that give you control, not systems that make you feel trapped.
4. Untangle the shame attached to your patterns.
So many teens and young adults carry deep guilt about not being able to “just do the thing.” Here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, we unlearn these harmful narratives. We’ll help you learn to see your responses as nervous-system communication, not character flaws.
5. Strengthen supportive relationships.
If you want, therapy can also help you communicate your needs to your family, friends, or partners in a way that:
Protects your autonomy
Reduces conflict
Fosters understanding and compassion
Ultimately, therapy is a way to help you build a life that supports you and your neurodivergent brain, not pressure you. We’re not here to give you homework or demand anything of you (don’t worry!) We’re just here to help you better understand yourself (and maybe, just maybe, show yourself a little grace!) ;)
If you’re a Colorado resident and this resonates, we’d love to connect. Our team is here to support you in understanding your nervous system, honor your needs, and build tools that actually work for you.
Until next time,
About Our Author | Lena McCain MA, LPC. 0017723
Lena McCain is our Founder here at Interfaith Bridge Counseling, where she continues her support as our Clinical Director. She also holds a Master of Arts degree in Clinical Mental Health: Mindfulness-Based Transpersonal Counseling Psychology from Naropa University.
Lena’s drive and passions lie in the realm of community building and youth collaboration, which she has spent the last 12 years studying with an emphasis on one’s exploration of personal growth, community healing, and multicultural values. Lena’s expertise in these areas and the therapeutic field acts as a reminder to our community, teens, and young adults that they are not alone in their experience of life.
